ReachCoreWellness

But it’s worth every minute of it. It’s worth every tear, every hard cry, every kneel down in front of the toilet in prayer and surrender. It’s worth realizing, “Wow, he’s really just not coming back” instead of eating or drinking over it…my dad is worth feeling this. He’s worth feeling completely drained in my body from the sadness I feel today in missing him. It’s okay to feel that, I know. I spent too many damn years not feeling and trying to fix my feelings because I thought they were wrong, that I had to hold them in for some reason.

Today is Blue and Gold game over at Notre Dame which is the spring football practice. It was always my Dad’s favorite weekend to come out to South Bend, see me, see the team, and get excited about the upcoming football season. We’d go to the team breakfast on Saturday morning with my brother Trey, my stepmom, my cousin Taylor, Aunt Susie and my Aunt Flo and we’d have a ball. Dad would get all into it and schmooze all the players and go talk to Coach Kelly – he just loved it. We’d get dinner at Bonefish that night and they’d be out the next morning. It was like my Spring dose of the family…my spring dose of Dad. 

This time last year, it was a rainy day, unlike the gorgeous day full of sun today. Thank God, we got to bring the kids to the breakfast to spend time with my family and we all got to go to the game, in the pouring rain. We all sat there and Dad’s beaming smile didn’t skip one beat. We just remember him saying, “Isn’t this great?” as the rain poured down on us…That night we went to dinner at Uptown Kitchen and just had a great family dinner.

Yesterday – I finished the final edit of my college story chapter and I spoke a lot about how grateful I am to have healed my relationship with the school and my Dad with the school.  I realized as I was writing on a whole new level, how lucky I was to have him send me there, to have him come out to see me all those times for those games. When I was in college struggling with my addictions – I longed for those weekends. So last night, when I felt that emptiness of him not coming, I couldn’t help but feel sad. Of course! He was my light. He was my Healthy Voice during a time when I couldn’t see my own and I miss him, but he’s not gone. His light is just shining from the inside out now, rather than from the outside in – which is really what the Healthy Voice is all about. Huh.

So today I’m choosing to heal in a different way. I’m sitting at the library, working on the book to get to my editor and then off to Gary Heavin at Curves, to write my forward. I know Dad is totally with me as I write and I know it’s okay that I miss him a ton, as I miss my whole family too. Wish I could see the bright blue eyes of my brother today. But that’s okay – will see them in just a few short weeks.

Love to my Dad up in heaven. Love and light to all those grieving or suffering. Know that you aren’t alone…and shout out to the Irish today….

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name. Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit. – Psalm 147: 3 – 5

Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

This song, “Lift me Up” by The Afters is what came to me this morning. Watch the video. Wherever you are at, remember – “we all fall down sometimes.” He lifts us up. His arms wrap around us and we can let go. This is the day we get to remember how much He loves us, and just keeps loving us, forgiving us, catching us. I hope you feel that today – how much He loves you even in your sin because we all sin. That’s why he died on the cross for us!

Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

I had just been sitting on a bench overlooking Lake Michigan, having a moment in nature. I was missing Dad today. It’s been so nice hanging with the kids and Mike up here just doing nothing, watching sunsets, walking on the beach, going into town…it made me miss my favorite time with my Dad – at the beach. I miss Dad, but I also know he’s helping me finish up this book and  along with all the emotions I’m walking through on my own Healthy Voice journey to write it for the reader – I wish I could just pick up the phone to talk to him. Knowing I can’t sucks, but knowing he IS there is what lifts me up.

He’s there in the wind and everywhere. He is always, always with me in my heart. So, after that moment of gratitude – I decided to go for a run into a Leland. The mix choice was my “Book Ride” which includes Dad favorites, Christian rock and soundtracks that inspire me on the journey. Right at the started I heard, “Mandolin Rain” by Bruce Springsteen. (Hey Dad). Then I heard loud and clear, “All I know is that I’m not home yet, this is not where I belong…” A powerful song by a band called Building 429 called “Where I Belong”. Then as I get further along and I’m running by Lake Leelanau (I’m in total heaven on earth), I keep going into town a bit. I look to my left and see this little surprise – a beach I didn’t know about. Right when I see it, I’m on it. The song that comes on my IPod is Florence and the Machine “Shake it Out” which was coincidentally my Healthy Voice song choice this week on my blog.  (Here it is just in case you need to listen while you read

I’m moving to the beat of it…listening to the lyrics that tell me how I can shake off that Unhealthy Voice. “I am done with that graceless heart…It’s always darkest before the dawn.” (I’m thinking about how powerful this is at the beginning of Holy Week.) I’m approaching that beach that I’ve never been to…I pick up the pace. I even lift up my arms to the sky. I shake it out even. “And it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake him out. Oh whoa!” Then I get to the beach as the song ends and see this….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I got to walk out to that water and take in this huge view of open water, beach, fresh air, and huge sky, and to think I thought Lake Michigan couldn’t be more than a pond once. Now I love it. lol

I couldn’t believe this gift I’d been given. As if the nice run with good tunes wasn’t enough – God surprises me with a moment on an undiscovered beach at the end of a great song. A Total Healthy Voice Moment. An absolute and utter true release – pure connection to the spirit in my favorite way – multiple surprising ways that only a power greater than you could arrange for your enjoyment. Nature, open space, water, music. There I was just an hour earlier, missing my Dad (in a good way), enjoying my time with my family, little stressed about the book deadline, but okay. Just needed a breath of fresh air. Boy did I get one with my great run…What a God. Blown away yet again.

As if that wasn’t enough, as I started my run again I heard Florence come on again with this song:

Forget how good of a band they are, have you ever listened to the lyrics, from a Healthy Voice perspective? I know we think it’s that person we love or we want to love…and of course, it is…but really – think about it. What is the most powerful love you’ve got within you? Yup….that’s the love I feel when I hear it….how funny He can be sometimes that this was the next song on the playlist.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air
I know I can count on you
Sometimes I feel like saying “Lord I just don’t care”
But you’ve got the love I need To see me through

Sometimes it seems that the going is just too rough
And things go wrong no matter what I do
Now and then it seems that life is just too much
But you’ve got the love I need to see me through

Oh and apparently he wasn’t done yet because we got one of THE best sunsets at the end of the day. I took about 30 pictures. But this one was the best Check this baby out. Hope it brings you peace like it brought us!!

Filed under: Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »